隨手心情 3.10.09

之前分享過一首歌叫We are the reason」(可點取下載收聽),最近這首歌一直迴盪在我的心中,尤其是對自己所經歷的事一直想找個答案說服自己,然而卻又找不著時,聽著和看著這首歌的副歌

We were the reason

That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

 

I’ve finally found the reason for living
It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

 

He is my reason to live

 

聽著歌,歌詞和旋律反覆著,字字深入我心,眼淚就大顆大顆的滴落下來,不能控制親愛的耶穌只因為了我們,祂就這樣的給上了祂自己的生命,又遭受一切的鞭傷、羞辱,並且死亡,祂付上這些代價只有一個理由,就是「我們」遭受這樣大試煉的我,能否能像歌詞所寫 ”I‘ve finally found the reason for living. It’s in giving every part of my heart to Him. In all that I do every word that I say I’ll be giving my all just for Him, for Him.” 雖然有時想用理智說服自己的心但不能騙自己的就是為著這莫須有的遭遇我太想找一個reason但始終找不著但如果「祂」就是這件事的reason或許事件原先的reason已經不值得我再尋找下去了

 

Dear Lord, you know how much I love you, don’t you? You are my reason to suffer and to arise.

 

這週從信息裡有句話一直打中我的心就是「興起、發光」(Arise and Shine.)其實我也厭倦再受到這件事的挾制雖然人脫離了環境的掌控但那指控的話語和羞辱的決定方式卻一直在我的心思不斷的纏繞著像荊棘一樣刺傷我的心鮮血淋漓且是天天不斷反覆的上演著隨著與外界稍有接觸她所做在我身上的事和以為是我的朋友的態度事件就像拼圖一樣越拼湊越清楚看見他們的忍心真不知叫我情何以堪甚至昨天和一位朋友的msn談話中,我相信他是無心的但當我說我還在復元中他卻說「我以為你走出來了,看來是我太高估你」時,我連回話也不想回了,這句話很有殺傷力,真不知到底是我傷得太重?還是我真得自不量力?但我不想再care一些與我復元無關的話語了,朋友的關係可以建立到何處,也趁機可以體會吧反正這段時間有著各樣不同的立場的朋友在看著或評論著我的經歷,只是誰喜歡經歷這些事或被憂傷所狹制呢?它使靈枯乾。我想要自由,我要自由,身、心、靈的自由 completely

 

記得聽過一個故事,故事是說馬戲團的大象,在牠還是小象時,他們會用繩子把牠栓在一根大木頭,因為小象還小,力氣不大,所以牠因著無法掙脫,就會乖乖的被栓在那裡。等到牠是大象了,其實力氣已經大到可以拔起那個木頭,但是牠卻仍乖乖的被栓住,為何牠不掙脫逃開呢?原因是過去的經驗騙了牠,牠以為牠仍像在牠的記憶中一樣掙不脫那根木頭,實際上牠忘了牠的力氣早已可以脫離被栓在這根木頭上

 

環境早已還我自由,但話語卻一直纏住我,身體脫離了掌控,心靈卻仍不自覺的在受壓制中,夠了,真的,我還不覺醒嗎?我已自由,我這個笨蛋,還不跑,還傻呼呼的自己拿著這些話語的繩索捆住自己的心思,Arise and Shine.

 

這三週相信自己應該安慰或鼓勵了一些人,每每安靜下來的時候,我總是苦笑著和神說「祢真是愛我」我自己在患難中,卻不知哪來的力量還能安慰和鼓勵人,甚至有時回來會突然浮上一些說給別人聽的勉勵話語,彷彿這些話也是神在對我說,只是要活出來,還真是需要兩把刷子因著愛我有力量在自己的患難中仍去祝福別人,我相信也因著愛,我能重新得力,我親愛的主,祢知道這句話我是在對祢說,I really need Your love. 我很喜歡和祢同工它讓我忘了我的傷痛它讓我看見了傷心人的笑容它讓我輕看了我的羞辱雖然還careI know I will go through it. Please give me the strength and Your power of love. Emily, arise and shine. 我該感謝因為傷有多深我知道我所將要經歷神的mercy and love 就有多大我該換個心情期待吧期待神的surprise期待將有極大的amazinggrace will happen on me. I should change my attitude and the way of thinking. Arise and Shine.

 

如果這是我的安息年我該享受我的安息日,是享受而不是忍受。也該珍惜過去所忽略的情感,最近因著二舅舅的過逝,再次感受到生命有著不可承受的輕,看著家人和親友能平安,健康,我想這是最珍貴和最該感恩的,許多過不去的事,想到其實在生命消逝的那一刻就已不再被紀念,So, why don’t we enjoy our lives? 為何還要被一些不會被紀念的事難過的揮之不去呢Arise and shine. What I should remember is that how much the Lord love me. Dear Lord, thank you for loving me so much. Thank you for loving my family and my friends, too. So much thanks to say.

 

我可以開始新的生活了嗎可以吧well… 可以了期待吧Be excited and looking forward the new traveling of the spiritual life. 謝謝祢my dearest God. Yes, I believe I can sing “You are my reason to live” from the bottom of my heart. Please show me and let me know the way to go. I’m listening. Here is your child.

 

 Emily

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